cake making and more.

so, school ended about 1.5months ago. so far it hasnt really felt like i'm free-er. been driving up and down between la, oc and sd. (los angeles, orange county & san diego). and the fact that i'm a college GRAD? wow. that's still sinking in.

my teach for america journey will soon be coming to an end. on nov 10th i will know the results. whether i got accpeted into the program, whether i got posted to the only city i feel i can be in - la. fyi - the phone and in person interviews went okay! =) i was sweating really hard over the phone interview - had pre readings and just..was nervous! it lasted for roughly 50minutes i think, 47 to be exact. and the in person - woah. had to prep a 5minute lesson plan - i used a dr seuss political cartoon, and it lasted slightly over 1/2 a day! but, God is sovereign. if He has this planned for me i will get in. if not, i'm actually pretty excited to see what better plan He has in mind!

meanwhile, i've been focussed on resting (if possible) and baking more! i'm learning new things about cooking from cookbooks, aunt m, eric's mom (oxtail soup!) jay (one of icf sg's new guys - a sushi chef!) and tv shows. best of all, i've been more creative with recipes - daring to tweak and being more 'loose' about certain measurements like vanilla, spices, sugar, butter etc - soon! i'll have my own recipes! recently i've under taken the task of cake decoration. aunt m equipped me with 3 tier cake pans, i got myself from cake decorating tools - got them for eric's bday - i wanted to bake him a fantastic cake - he believes i did and so did i! i'll find a picture somewhere..

the latest attempt was for icf sg's halloween party - the bottom tier, i forgot the sugar so that whole cake was tossed. =( but the top two..i froze the cake layers the night before, cut them, made a swiss buttercream frosting and used real flowers to decorate. to cover up the messiness of my first attempt, i found coconut flakes! for a first attempt, i was happy that it was at least edible! but i want to perfect this skill - so, i'm off on a mission to learn more cake decorating techniques and practice, practice, practice! fortunately, i have quite a number of willing taste testers!

getting in touch w/ me.

so. school's been out for roughly 2weeks. i wrapped up the last of my franklin high school stuff yesterday. i turned in my app and got through the 1st round for tfa. wow.

back track:
the last day of school was pretty crazy. pulled a semi all nighter and got stuck in the worst traffic possible - overturned semi on the 60W, shutting down all lanes but the right - close to 2 hours of sitting in my car. w/ two back to back finals. one of which i was 30-45minutes late to. it was a 2hour final. God provided. my professor allowed me to outline my second essay and he would treat it as if i had written it. i finished w/ roughly 5minutes to spare and had to turn it in just so i could review for my next final which was to start 15minutes after. accomplished that too. no idea how i managed to think and write. i cried driving to school, heart was all heavy and frantic and my mind in bits. yet..i could write coherently. wow. only by God's grace - as i ran to my class, i was praying - God, if this is the way i'm to end my school year - i'm sure you have a plan - actually i was more of trying my best to recall and convince myself of that. when i shared this w/ my academic counselor yesterday, she said that my last day was certainly emblematic of my entire year - a frantic rush w/ all kinds of obstacles - wow. that hit it home. anyhow, i got As for both classes! =) joy joy joy. as i left my work office later that afternoon and walked back to my car, i just couldnt believe that this was it - but i walked on. the entire weekend and week after i was consumed with work at franklin, icf (sg).
more significantly, i didnt want to face up to the fact that i was done. being done meant that from henceforth i had no school or homework or readings or tests to plan my life around. being done meant that i was to join the working force. being done meant working on eth mountain of thank you cards, emails and letters. being done meant getting to things i had put off w/ the excuse of being too busy w/ school. being done meant it was time to deal w/ some deep issues. being done meant it was time to focus on my family. being done meant i was simply no longer nor will i ever be an undergrad. being done meant moving home - a stable place versus the instability of moving around the past year. being done meant trying to fit back into the comings and goings of home. being done meant..meant..means that i'm facing some of my biggest giants.
all these postponed my emotional handling of my being done w/ my undergrad.

yesterday, i returned to school. to turn in my franklin folder. to say thank you to significant people. to connect new friends with old. but yesterday, i returned to school as an alumnus. wow..the very thought still brings tears to my eyes. as i walked on campus, i realized how little i got from ucla. how confined i was to finishing school. yet, as i talked with others something shifted. eric made note of it - everyone likes you. i've always doubted that my teachers or my bosses would like me. i was the over eager student who was sick and busy most of the year. but as he said it, i realized there was some validity in it. they did appear to genuinely appreciate my visiting. they did wish me the best. perhaps, the year wasnt so lost. as i had dinner with the new bruins and connected them w/ ingrid and yiki, i felt this sudden rush of love and joy - yes, i was done but..that frees me to go on - to do what i love - serve others. i love being able to connect people, to find ways to solve their problems..and now i'm free to do just that. i'm free to mingle, to talk, to relate and to love the people around me.

there'll be hard and rather high bumps in the journey ahead. but when i really truly think about it, God has prepared me for them. in a weird way, the hard year has made me ready to deal w/ my inner war. simultaneously, God has removed my one obstacle and my sole excuse from building multiple deep relationship - my schooling. slowly, God is making me face my fears - not ill equipped but more than ready. He has built me up in faith - if i can get through a year like that, what's so hard about facing the lies of my insecurity, the falseness of my inadequacies, the brokenness of my past? nothing! if my God is for me, who can be against me? He has proven himself so very faithful - how can i doubt?

perhaps, it's time to take on a new outlook on life and shed my belief that i'm not wanted, not beautiful, not capable, not smart, not sociable, not desirable, that my loss of 1 year at ucla and my crazed 3rd year was so unfair, that my family life is unfair - and take on something new. the old is gone and the new has come. i am who God has created me to be. His daughter through Christ. rooted on the steady rock of Christ. beautiful and precious in His eyes. his beloved. completely broken but utterly cherished.

goodbye mourning cloak. hello new life!

the know nothing party and my non-absorbant brain

as i sit in class, supposedly trying to pay attention in class, i drift time and time again. firstly, in an effort to justify my actions - the professor reads off his prepared speech at a speed many cannot follow - many times the class has asked for his speech and he doesnt seem to understand that we cannot follow! secondly, the final exam guide is up - i dont really have to know all the minute details of every lecture - we're to answer 2 of the 10 quotes in an essay form- placing them in the right era and context - that's 10 different topics i cannot remember and know the minute details of ten. and thirdly, i'm done w/ school - i've been going since last september - almost a full 12months non stop - other than the 2-4 weeks of breaks in between quarters - and the sparsely spread out public holidays. wow..it literally has been almost a full 11months - 1 month to account for the 'breaks'. of which the speed i was traveling at had caused me to fall numerous times - physically, mentally, emotionally and yes, spiritually. it's been a long hard journey and i'm tired. just plain tired.
wow. i started this sept 1st..it's the 8th. been about a week. when i wrote this post, it was during class and i had just turned in my last paper as an undergrad. today, i sit needing to focus on studying but so drained as i conclude my last day of undergrad instruction - 4 long hours of lecture and then work..that's it. how the day just slipped by. now, i'm truly at the brink of the end. 2 finals, 4 hours, one more day..and i officially bid my undergrad years goodbye. thinking about it makes me tear. actually, i've been teary quite often nowadays.
i dont know what to say or think. it's rather sad. i'm just too drained to be fully aware of this momentous passing. i'm sure it will sink in as days pass..but for now, i've already lined up things to do this very weekend and the next weekday!
still..when i return to ucla for zero week to connect some friends together, i'll feel it hard. now the pangs poke - tears fill as i realize i wont a student. i have to remember the blessing i have of even entering and completing my BA! 3 years is really better than none. God has been very good. so faithful. i just have to grieve a bit that's all. but as Jennifer (my counsellor) told me, i need to celebrate too! it is a joyous occasion.
how funny the way life works. the sadness does come hand in hand with the joys. i love that God doesnt give us with the capacity to feel only one at a time - imagine what a one dimensional world that would be! instead, humans are so complex, so complicated - it's annoying at times but it's so good. God you did do good w/ mankind - you did.
i have yet to even begin reflecting - one thing is certain - in 2 days, it'll be over.

a summer update.

wow. it's been a long while since i've updated huh? i have yet to share my last weeks of spring quarter, graduation ceremonies, summer con..and life has marched on..summer session a started and ended. i begun work as an office staff w/ marian..couples counseling w/ jun has been underway for at least a month and a half and now i'm halfway through session c.
time kept marching on..
today i'm 2days away from my last midterm. wow..my last midterm that sounds crazy. i've decided to not turn in my tfa application in time for the 1st deadline - gives me more time to produce a quality 'sell self' application.
anyhow..there's much to think about. much to reflect on.
my apartment is emptier - our lease ends in about 2weeks..so it's made it more real - that it's truly the end of a season.
well, time to read for my midterm!

moving along..

i'll let the pictures tell the story..the words to describe the time between finals and my 1st summer session will come after my midterms.. =)

just one more..just one more.

one last hurdle. just one last one.
my anna paper. the paper i've been so excited to write about. the paper i've delved into researching over 30books, articles and journals. oh enthusiasm, dont fade away. just 24 more hours to go!

wow, i'm walking tomorrow. i'm actually graduating from ucla. (not forgetting the summer!)
but..the end of my BA is so close. the majority of it is done. DONE. now i'm not too sure about my grades..havent been able to put the BEST effort. can safely say my 1st quarter here in fall08 was the most effort i ever put in. even last quarter, i worked hard but that was simply to stay afloat. this quarter, i was worn out. well..i essentially took roughly 40units in 2 quarters and another this quarter! so..i feel that it's okay that i'm tired right? sometimes i wonder how things would have been different if i had been able to stay my 4th year. would i have been able to slow down? enjoy my classes, take classes i liked? built more into my friendships? become more active w/ school - student orgs, community involvement?

how funny. i remember some thoughts form my first quarter - i wanted to do a seniors thesis for history, i wanted to be a part of the history honors and possibly part of the committee, i wanted to be highly active on my floor, i wanted to be open and ready for anyone who needed a friend, i wanted to get more involved w/ bcf, i wanted to be a part of the student government, i wanted to teach children on saturdays as part of WILD, i wanted to complete my double major in history and study of religion and my minor in political science - if i could manage it, a triple major! i wanted to be a bruin in and out, i wanted to NOT be part of the sea of students, i wanted to be known, i wanted to share my story, i wanted to be an encouragement, i wanted to make a difference, i wanted to EXPERIENCE, i wanted to feel, i wanetd to know what it was like to just be a student for once, i wanted to be free to make mistakes, i wanted to be young - to be my age, i wanted to explore, i wanted to just be..i wanted.

emotions running high..tears flowing.

all i wanted, i didnt get in the form i sought it. some i didnt get at all. amazingly, i got better - received stuff i really needed..

i was broken. to depend, to rely, to trust, to let go, to forgive, to love.
i was healed. the physical cracks down to the deep scars of my soul.
i was cared for. financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
i was, am and will always be a cherished daughter of the Most High, God.

there's still pain and sadness at not being able to get what i desired especially because i had placed such high expectations. especially cos i guess, i saw this as my only chance to just be who my season of life called me to be - a student. not a parent, not a worker, not a mediator, not someone with the world on her shoulders. yes, i am sad i didnt get to experience all that. but i'm slowly grieving, slowly accepting that it's okay..

having been able to actually survive this makes it easier. how could i have done it without you, God? 76 units in one school year and a summer. dealing w/ family. struggling to pay the bills. transitioning. being hurt and broken deep inside. me alone, i would have stayed in my dark dark corner of the room and just withered away.

there's a light at the end of the tunnel. the journey through was not what i expected or wanted. it wasn't easy rather, the very opposite. even as i wrestle with emotions and closing this chapter of my life, i see that light God. you have made all things beautiful. in every small way and big, you proved yourself so faithful. you saw me through it all. YOU abba, you have given me joy everlasting..have given me hope unending. have loved me. thank you.

just one more, just one more..

sunday b4 finals.

argh. i forgot my pill. blast it blast it. better remember tomorrow. and to get a refill... =)
DONE w/ my ps paper. i'm SO behind my plans. cant study. cant focus. trying to decide when to head back to my apartment. either before midnight today or at 5 tomorrow so as to not get stuck in traffic. locked myself in eric's room for the past 2 days while he's at catalina. i've literally locked myself in except for church and meals. cant focus and spread my stuff out anywhere else.
need to do my study guide. need to read for tomorrow's final. need to finish anna. argh.
i just want the pain to go away. boo. kitty mumba will you make it better for me?

brain-dead.

i dont think i remember chugging through days of papering being THIS hard. i mean 1st quarter i did the same, 3 major research papers. 2nd quarter i had 2 research papers and this quarter i dropped the optional paper so i'm down to 2. i guess maybe it's the finals load? i had 2 the 1st quarter, 3 the 2nd and 3 this quarter..hmm..no much of a diff. o yes. 1st quarter i wasnt sick. i was fresh and hopeful. 2nd quarter i postponed almost all my deadlines incompletes and all that. THAT'S why this quarter is hard. i'm tired, sickness is acting up. OH, i'm working and i have an internship. and i guess, i cant push back anything cos my sickness isnt as bad as it was last quarter. oh yes, how could i forget..i'm graduating - not too excited about that and i guess..i'm just worn out. my writing shows it.

let's take a tally of my work:
done: study guides for hist 186c & hist 113b, 1/2 of anna and 1/2 of political theory papers
to do by tonight: pol theory paper.
to do by saturday: middle east study guide/anna paper
to do by sunday: revision of pol theory paper/middle east study guide/anna paper

hmm..it's 830pm. i've been up since 615am. i should continue working on my paper before starbucks (where i've been hiding out from traffic after dropping eric and abner off at san pedro at 4ish) closes at 9. or be doing something productive like helping my mom w/ her cv. or reading. oh yes, my pol theory paper would be a good one to work on. but i'm just so tired. been working on my come since 5ish/6. i guess it's time for a break and another late night. just another 8pages to go for that pol theory paper. just 8..i've enough material to do more than 8 but..it's just churning it out. boy, i wish i had stuck to my original plan to get stuff done EARLY. but..i guess not. life just happens.

i placed people and life above my schoolwork. wow. baking, graduations, projects unrelated to schoolwork, meeting w/ friends, being a part of friends' lives, births, visits home, inner healing..school just didnt seem as important. so different from what i've believed in for the past 3 4 years at echs, palomar and my 1st qtr at ucla. i had pushed and pushed. anything lower than an A was unacceptable. sure, i knew people and life came first and i somehow managed to do both. until my body protested and i had to choose. it's been a hard decision to live out but..but you know, ultimately, i'm glad. i wont have my exams and classes to keep me company as i struggle w/ life..but my family and friends will be right here.

that looks so incoherent. okay, 20 more minutes before i'm chased out. going to try to get one more page in.

story as told via pictures..

my cookie presents

lunch after flood

icf north 2009 grads

baby samuel joseph cash paschall!

icf/iccsd grad party

palomar grad 09

cinnamon bun making w/ jenn & janelle

spring quarter updates: week10!

it's been a long while. and i havent completed my birthday yet but..i'll update this quarter as it is wrapping up. how funny that as i should be working on my research papers i find myself here again.
i was wise enough to learn my limits. last week as the stress begun to settle in again i threw up. so i had to take a step back and look at my lifestyle from the eagle's standpoint. i dropped the research paper for bartchy's class - it was optional and would constitute 30% of my 80% grade left unaccounted for. meaning my final on monday is worth the full 80%. but..i felt i had to drop it cos i have two 20pages papers which essentially make up my entire class grade and those..those are not optional. it's sad to say goodbye to such a great topic especially when i had all the research but..i needed to rest. which i did.
the last weekend i attended the open session of the River on the mother and father wound as well as reconciling men and women. i dont believe i've ever cried so much nor have i felt so deeply in a day ever. it was painful but i know it was good for me. i had to come to terms with old hurts and how new hurts have been built upon them. especially cos they will affect my future relationships as well as current. there's still much work but..i need a spiritual, mental and emotional respite from these deeply lodged pains...on sunday i helped out w/ acmi for a bit and managed to get some readings done. but..overall the weekend was manageable and it helped. i'm still avoiding certain foods but..it's going okay! =)
that friday was the seniors workshop for the high school i worked with. i've researched and learnt more about nursing than i care to know about. no offense to nursing students but for someone who doenst want to go into that field..i know a mite too much. thanks to all the friends who helped me collect the info! angela, carmel, alice, pranny. andre, josephine and of course my dear dear eric.
i went home memorial day weekend. =) was really glad to do so. i met baby samuel joseph cash paschall for the first time!!he was born may19th. and i got to see mika graduate. even though i was stuck in 3.5hours of traffic it was worth it. worth it to be home. worth it to be with my sd family. worth it to be w/ the maneevones. worth it to hang w/ emily and the ramlis..completely worthwhile. i miss sd. oh. uncle and auntm managed to get tickets on miles to go home to thailand. to see gramps and so on. i baked roughly 200cookies that night for them to bring back and to share. was so glad to do so..my small way of telling pple i care. plus, it was a great stress reliever.

anyhow, it's almost 9. i should continue reading..will give my birthday part 2 soon!
i've just 2 20pagers, 3 finals and i'm DONE on wednesday at 6pm. =D then, i graduate. that's a whole other post. kinda weird to grad a year early and have summer school still.

ohoh! eric got a kitty. =) venta's student had passed him to her not knowing what to do w/ a stray cat..venta brought him to eric. eric of course promptly fell in love w/ this undernourished kitten. we still havent decided on a name but..he's here to stay!

and LASTLY, i want to briefly acknowledge a few people but their great encouragement to me these past crazily intense weeks.

eric. eric..what more can i say? you are my favourite person. my best friend. my pal. thank you for hugging me when i'm lost. for teasing me til i laugh. for driving over just cos. and just for sticking it out w/ me.

aunt m & uncle you both are my surrogate parents and i'm so blessed that you've come to care for me so much. thank you for your love and prayers. aunt m your words and lovely small gestures mean the world to me and uncle, your practical advice and works bring a smile to my heart.

le. my fellow 'oldest' =) thanks for wanting to get to know me! for wanting to truly that our relationship deeper and your frequently updated fb!

mal. even tho we're so far apart i love that you email and text me. thankyou for thinking of me.

wanida. you are beautiful. need i say more? thank you for truly making the greyest skies happy.

anju. your deep eyes and genuine love melts my hard exterior. thank you for caring enough to reach out..

steph & qi..your sweet enduring friendship across the seas remind me that i'm loved. thankyou

mika..you my sister make me happy. thank you for your visit and spending time with me. more significantly, thankyou for still being willing to open your heart to me. *hugs*

yiki my ap. thankyou for being so faithful in meeting w/ me and so truthful. you are a true treasure.

jenn cho!!! i'm so grateful to God that you are part of my life. i love that we still meet up and that we can vent to each other. best of all i love the vids and pics you send of your scary workplace ;p

angela my sweet angela. you are such a plus in my life. thankyou for your encouragement and your very practical health tips!! cant wait for our summer plans!

carmel my awesome friend. thankyou for being real with me and for your constant loving encouragement!

venta my dear. i love talking w/ you. i love discussing our significant others w/ you. i loved talking food w/ you..i just love being w/ you. =)

my apartment mates: stacey, paige, janelle & tammy. thank you for putting up w. my constant disappearances. for welcoming me back and for simply being there..